A Guide to Going to the Movies

The movie business has been going strong for over a 100 years, and films continue to evolve in terms of budget, special effects, content, and excitement. But where things haven’t changed much is the act of going to the movies. Sure you have previews, stupid filler trivia, and commercials (HATE THEM) before the film starts, but in essence the act of going into a theater with hundreds of other individuals and sitting down to watch a movie is pretty much the same as it has been for decades. When you go to the movies, this is what happens: You walk in, get your ticket, either get in line or go straight in and sit down, watch the previews, and then quietly watch the movie. That is how it’s done, and that is how it should be done. But in today’s technologically dependent, ill-mannered world, people seem to forget that. This should serve as a guide to all of you modern men to how you should conduct yourself in a movie theater.

1. Do not go to the movies on a first date
This is such an important law on this blog. So important that I’ve mentioned it once before (rule 2). Do not go to the movies on a first date. You’re not going to be able to sit and talk and get to know one another in the middle of a loud movie. You’re going to ruin the experience for everyone else. It’s rude, and you’re basically paying 12 bucks to talk in one of the most inefficient ways possible. Seriously, don’t do it. Do something original. And full of conversation opportunities.

Keep your awkward 4th grade hand holding and non-contact at home lovebirds.

2. If you do go to the movies on a date, do not end the night with it. Start the night with it.
Going to the movies for a NOT FIRST (You understand how serious I am about this?) date is great, but for it to be pulled off effectively you must plan the evening carefully. That being said, I recommend getting the movie out of the way early on in the date. Why? Because the movie can bring up things to talk about. Plus you don’t want to end the date with 2 or more hours of silence between the two of you. Sure, Transformers 3 was AWESOME and Optimus was a total beast, but would you rather end your date with that or with a good conversation and maybe a nice dinner with a beautiful girl? Plus, you can’t kiss Optimus at the end of the night. You can take that one to the bank. It’s free.

Give me some sugar baby.

3. Once the lights go down, put your phone away.
One of the biggest annoyances in the movie theater is people on their phones during the previews or movie itself.  Now granted, if you have a buddy who’s a running a little late and he texts you during the previews to say he’s arrived, that’s OK (even though he should have been there on time, or early. That’s an unwritten rule). The worst thing is seeing a bright phone out of the corner of your eye distracting you during the climax of the movie, or even worse, some moron answering his phone and TALKING during the movie. Sweet babies. That makes me want to beat a total stranger. And I’m not the only one who feels this way. Some theaters have started kicking people out without a refund for not obeying the anti-phone warnings. And I welcome it.

Totally fine by me.

4. Don’t talk
Sure, leaning over and whispering something to your friend about how the last action scene made you pee your pants or saying “HOLY CRAP” after seeing something awesome on screen is acceptable. But I’m talking about full on conversations. Cut that crap out. Seriously. It’s annoying, and you’re ruining the movie for everyone else. If you can’t shut up for 2 hours to watch a movie you paid 10 bucks to see, then you need to just become a telemarketer. That way you can listen to yourself talk all day and get paid for it. But I’ll hang up on you without mercy or warning.

5. Do not go to the movies to make out
Why? 3 reasons: movie theaters are gross; it’s really annoying and distracting; and people aren’t going to stand for it, which means they’ll complain and you and your sugarlips will get kicked out. Don’t waste your time. If you want to make out that bad, go somewhere so that you can do it for free. Think about it. If you go to the movies to make out, you just paid 20 bucks to kiss your girlfriend. Why? Don’t do it. Or you could not do it at all! Maybe actually talking with your girlfriend instead of sucking her face will make you value her more as a person. Just a thought.

The romance of the moment was quickly ended by a shower of drinks, popcorn, swearing, and a swift ejection from the theater

6. Go to the bathroom before the movie starts
I mean come on guys, common sense. You don’t want to miss the climax of the movie because you’re about to pee your pants. Plan ahead.

7. If you’re going to dress up for a big movie opening, be sure you have friends willing to do it too.
There’s nothing more embarrassing than dressing up like Harry Potter for the big opening night and no one else does it with you. This is even more embarrassing if you do this and don’t tell your girlfriend before picking her up. But if you are one of the bold souls who will dress up regardless of whether or not your friends will, at least make sure it’s an awesome costume.

Don’t be this guy.

If you want a basic summary of all of these rules, just remember this: Use common sense, be polite, and if it’s going to annoy other people, then don’t do it. It’s that simple. Now gentlemen and ladies, go to the movies, munch on your popcorn, laugh and cry and scream, hold the hand of your special lady or man, and have a great time with your friends. And if you see someone below you texting or talking on the phone, throw a drink at them. You’ll leave the theater a hero. Good day gents.

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