A Conversation with George Lucas

*Recently revised

I recently was given the one in a lifetime opportunity to sit down and talk with the man known none other than George Lucas. As a huge Star Wars and Indiana Jones fan, I will be honest and say that I had brought a change of pants along with me just in case I somehow ended up soaking myself in urine from all the excitement.

Thankfully I was wearing my Lucky Interviewing Mustache and that crisis was averted.

I was led on a tour of Lucasfilm by Lucas himself and he showed me everything a movie buff would love: Lightsabers, the real Indiana Jones whip and hat, stormtrooper blasters, a replica of the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, the Leia slave bikini…I literally was crying tears of joy. I felt like a kid in a candy store, a synthesizer fan at a Europe concert, a Spam fan in a Spam factory, a Hipster in a thrift store… you get the idea. We sat down in his office and after some of that trademark Star Wars blue milk (which is amazing by the way) we started chatting. I had lots of questions for him and I was eager to get started. What follows is an exact transcript of what happened…

Me
Mr. Lucas thank you so much for giving me this opportunity. I am a massive fan of your work.
George
Thank you. Please call me George. Or Prince George. Whichever you prefer. But I prefer Prince George.
Me
Seriously?
George
Yes… (Staring grimly)
How I convinced George to let me wear that costume I’ll never know. But its a RAD photo op.
Me
OK… “Prince” (Air quotations included) George…I have just a few questions… First off, why the recent announcement to re-release all 6 Star Wars films in 3D?
“Prince” George
Well I think 3D is a very exciting medium and the Star Wars films are just perfect material for it. I think it would be spectacular to see. I’ve always been interested in the technology and now its finally at a point that it can be used with Star Wars. I’m very excited about it. I think it will look spectacular.
Me
I do too, as long as it doesn’t look like Clash of the Titans. That post production 3D was awful.
Prince George
I don’t follow football, they’re from Tennessee right?
Me
Right… next question. I once heard a quote from you saying that “Movies are never finished, they’re abandoned”. Is that correct?
Prince George
That is correct.
Me
So is this why you keep changing the movies we love and adding in pointless special effects that totally detract from the film? I mean I loved seeing the special editions in theaters as a kid, but as an adult I know better and I find myself hating all the new additions you are making.
Prince George
I don’t think I like your tone…
Me
I mean Prince George, have you watched the recent DVD releases of the original trilogy? Your added in special effects do nothing to advance the story. They look so out of place and just tacked on. That is like tattooing a 3D art poster over the Mona Lisa. It may be a novel idea but everyone loses in the end. Why don’t you release the original film versions on Blu-Ray? Cause you know thats what EVERYONE wants.
Prince George
How about these are my movies and you have no right to complain?
Me
I think I have a right to complain because I paid to see these movies and they shaped my childhood. I think I have a right to complain because me, and millions of other fans, made you rich. You know I refuse to watch the original trilogy on DVD? The added in effects are just terrible and detract from the experience. And now the changes to the Blu-Rays? Adding a “NOOOO!!” during that pivotal scene in Episode 6 where Vader finally turns away from the Dark Side and saves his son by killing the Emperor? That scene was powerful, all because of Vader’s silence against Luke’s screams. It had emotional weight. And you ruined it. And don’t get me started on the prequels. They’re some of the most poorly written and executed things I’ve ever seen. And another thing, what kind of black tar heroin were you smoking when you came up with Jar Jar Binks? If I were a Jedi I would break the Jedi code and kill his goofy face in a heartbeat. I would go to the Dark Side just to kill him. And I would kill him in less than 12 parsecs. Twice. In fact I’d learn the dark art of traveling through time and I’d kill him a lot. Like, a hundred times.
I hate ALL of the things that you choose to be Jar Jar Binks
Prince George
I think you have some problems Mr. Terry. And plus you couldn’t kill him hundreds of times because each time you’d have to go further and further back causing a time para…
Me
I don’t want to listen to your silly theories. And yes, I do have some problems George. Problems with you and how you manage to ruin everything I love. Why won’t you allow other filmmakers to make Star Wars films? There are thousands of years of Jedi/Sith history and mythology material to work with. Why don’t you let some other talent have a shot at it? It could revitalize the Star Wars brand and attract new generations of fans. Have you seen those trailers for that Old Republic video game? More exciting and interesting than the prequels, and they’re like, 3 minutes long. What gives George?
George
Sigh…Listen… These films are mine. MINE. I came up with them. I made them. I created everything about them. Without me there is no Star Wars. And whenever we all die in 2012 there will be no more Star Wars because I will be gone! If I’m not here neither will STAR WARS! YOU GOT ME?!
Me
George you’re kinda starting to freak me out. You need to calm down. Looking at my mustache might help.
George
IT’S PRINCE GEORGE YOU HALF-WITTED SCRUFFY LOOKING NERF HERDER!! AND THAT ISN’T EVEN A REAL MUSTACHE YOU MORON!!
Me
…You know George with the personal rancor reflected in that statement I don’t intend to dignify with comment. Can we talk about something else?
George
For the love of whatever the Jedi worship yes, lets move on.
Me
Indiana Jones and the Kingdo…
George
You phantom menace. You dirty bounty hunter who feeds puppies to the Rancor. I knew you were going to bring that up. I just somehow knew. You just have that look about you, you gutless swine. I’m seriously considering straight up murdering you right now. I’ve taken too much crap for that. Too much. I’ve had enough. Everyone has complained to me about that movie. You know that movie made over 780 million dollars? Does that sound like a failure to you? No. It sounds like the 29th highest grossing film of all time. Who helped create not one of the most beloved film franchises of all time, but two? Me. Who founded ILM? Who started Pixar? Me. What have you done? Started a blog that hardly anyone reads? Eaten a whole bag of Cheetos today?
Me
You’re really dancing around that line George. Don’t cross it… But I will concede that last part to you George, as much as I hate to admit my failure compared to you. You’ve done great things for the film industry and for filmmaking. But George…Come on. Vine swinging? The atomic refrigerator? A man getting dragged down a hole by ants? The jeep jumping on the branch? A guy named Mutt? Aliens George? Freaking ALIENS. What in the name of Henry Jones Sr were you thinking? Is that seriously the best you could come up with? Frank Darabont wrote a script in 2002 that Spielburg loved and you hated. Frank Darabont. You know, the guy who directed The Shawshank Redemption and developed The Walking Dead for television? How much of an ego do you have George to turn down that and decide to write that script that we see on the screen?
George
Did you get that from Wikipedia?
Me
No…? You got that from Wikipedia.
George
Your face is about to see the Dark Side of my boot Mr. Terry.
Me
Duly noted… If it would make you feel any better I’d like to say that episodes 4-6 of Star Wars and the first 3 Indiana Jones films are some of my favorite films of all time. It made my childhood what it was. They changed my life. I hope that makes you feel better George! (I smile at him, which only repulses him more)
George
Nothing you say can make me feel better at all at this moment in time Mr. Terry. I’m ready to punch you. I am thankful on one hand that you haven’t brought up that one thi…
Me
Han shot first George!
George
Why you little…!!

That is the last thing I remember. The next thing I know I was in a dumpster behind Lucasfilm among boxes of discarded Dark Side chocolate cookies. And sweet mercy are they good. If Luke had gotten a hold of those cookies I think He would have shook the Emperors hands instead of getting shocked by them. I am kinda disappointed that I never got to complain about the introduction of Midichlorians in Episode 1 as a biological explanation for the Force. That infuriated me. At least I have some cookies though!

Legend says that Vader would bake them in the reactor ovens that were powered by the Death Star weapon. That’s where they got their dark power of delicious taste.

Random Thought of the Day
In case you haven’t figured it out, none of that actually happened. Just saying.

1 Comment

  1. Until I started reading I actually thought you had legitimately met the man! lol

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